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MY AGE

PLACE I'VE BEEN - Seattle, WA

PLACE I'D LIKE TO GO - Florence, Italy


ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES

FAVORITE OBJECTFAVORITE DRINK
FAVORITE ANIMAL - Newfoundlands :D

FAVORITE COLOR
WHERE I WAS BORN - Boise, Idaho

PAST LOVE - This stuff was incredible, until they stopped making it :(

Sandman, don't bring me a dream

I'm not sure whats been up with me lately, but I think I may be having some severe underlying issues. I haven't slept well in a month. I've never had problems sleeping and, while I slept a full 8 hours a night for a long time, in more recent years, I hadn't needed that much sleep. Until now. I'm having these insanely odd and very vivid dreams. I've never remembered my dreams as well as I have in the last few weeks. And they're always unsettling. Some are dangerous (for a while I kept dreaming about getting killed), most are chaotic, all are weird. Conspiracies, stalking, vampires, theft, wild animals attacking people, marrying strangers, getting accused of murder - all things I've dreamed about. I do not understand where this is coming from. It just started happening, out of the blue. The first night it happened, I brushed it off as weird and figured I'd be fine. Then it kept happening and now it's a regular thing. I can't figure out why, but it's really starting to effect me. I have to sleep longer (I've been over-sleeping more than I ever have), I toss and turn all night, wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep for a while. My body is sore because I can't get comfortable. And lately I've been waking up disoriented. My dreams seem so real that I have a hard time pulling myself out of them, even when I wake up.

There has to be a reason for this. I'm assuming I suddenly have some subconscious problem that my mind is just trying to work through or something. But, I don't know what it is. From a psychological stand point, I'm very curious as to what causes dreams and why we have them. I guess it's time to find out so I can finally rest well again.

Ridiculous insects

I can't take it anymore!! We've got like a dozen flies in our dining room. We were down to about 3 day before yesterday because Lori is phenomenal at killing them without a fly swatter (which apparently we don't have). But they're multiplying. Quickly. And they're much more aggressive than typical flies... slight movements do not frighten them and they have a tendency to land on our heads and just stay there. I have to wave my arms around like some standing-on-the-corner-religious-nut-case to get them to fly off and then they come right back again anyway. And what are they doing in here in November??? This is not the right season. Annoying :|

Britney Spears sucks

I'm so sick of her new song 3. I heard it in the radio for about 2 seconds before changing the station & yet, I have it stuck in my head. I didn't even know what it was about, so I googled the lyrics - yeah, bad idea. A threesome (and extremely derogatory as well because it talks about Peter, Paul & Mary, which I didn't think twice about at first; then a couple minutes later it hit me and I was disgusted :|). Completely perverse and blasphemous. I know she's pathetic on several levels, but this is just a new all time low. And annoying because I have it stuck in my head!!

Good day

Today was really good. I had a flippin awesome workout (2 hour cardio, 1 hour strength training :D), started another Nouveau class online, went shopping with Cassie and will spend the rest of the night reading.

Tonight, I was looking over a conversation that Pim & I had on FB chat at the end of September and it really made me miss him. He's such a good guy. He gets me and enjoys me for who I am, not who he wants me to be. I really like that. I need it. Heck, everyone does. He's simple and things with him are just so incredibly effortless. He's never confusing or irrational. He doesn't play Devil's Advocate - he truly cares about the people in his life. I've always been in awe at how self-less he is. It's pretty amazing. I can carry on meaningful conversations with him, talk about things of depth and substance; he has a brain that he employs (says a lot more than most guys). If I'm upset, talking to him always puts me at ease - everything makes sense. The world is set right again :) Come back to Idaho, Dutchboy!!

With the prickling of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes

So, I was all in an uproar last night because I didn't have a costume and couldn't make it to the party I had been planning on attending. My plan B was wanting to chill at home with scary movies in a witch hat & give out candy to dozens of kids in cute costumes. I went to 3 stores and everyone was out of witch hats. I was heartbroken! And I wasn't able to get horror movies, per say, however, I ended up with When A Stranger Calls (still creepy) and - a classic - Gremlins! :D I would've preferred something like The Shining, but I was content with what I got. Sans costume & in my plaid pjs, I handed out candy to the 5 trick or treaters that came to our door. Yes, I said 5. Another heartbreaking moment. Oh well, fun nonetheless.

I was bummed that I couldn't see the boys & Allie, but the troop came over this evening and we had the equivalent of an Easter Egg hunt with Halloween candy in my front yard lol. A good second. Allie is so adorable in her little Minnie Mouse get-up. She's obsessed about it! She walks around saying, "Where's Mimmie, where's Mimmie??". She so wins the cutest niece award.

Rah, rah, rah

A glimpse of sunlight almost immediately turns to a nimbus nebulous. Dark cloud hovering over my head... was that a drop? He continues getting on my nerves. Insane, ridiculously typical male antics. And yet, it still doesn't matter. He's headed the same way that I am whether he likes it or not or even knows it. I don't think he does know - not yet. Amazing. In fact, I'm almost positive that he doesn't because I'm pretty freakin sure that he could not handle it. Hm.

Well, the weather matches my view on it. Not necessarily my mood, though, because despite it all, I'm feeling rather happy. I never fail to amuse myself. Maybe it's because I know the outcome. So the story itself almost doesn't matter. Intrigue. I can say that I believe I may have truly, finally, come to a level of acceptance with this whole thing. I think that's why I'm still in such a good mood right now, even considering all of his roller coaster behavior (and they say women are complex. I think his conduct exudes such an erratic pattern, he'd give any PMSing girl a run for her money). And even when I do have my moments of upset, I'll blame it on the weatherman ;)

Cassie continues insisting that I should, at the very least, keep a journal (she'd love it if I wrote a memoir one day). I mean a real journal, not blogging. With true details and explanations of my thought process and all. Wouldn't the world love to read that :p Then you'd all find out how truly crazy I think I am lol. I can't wait to reach the point where this all comes together.

I am super stoked for Halloween, though :D Yay for candy & costumes!!!

I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

What do you think you'd understand?
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
'Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.

Laura Madison, welcome to your life

Well, I've just about stopped doing anything with Madison Marketing. The online resources I have with my distributor are, indeed, extraordinary; however, their methods are all but desirable, not to mention what they charge now. I don't want to deal with it & I certainly don't want my clients to either. So, I'm pretty much closing it down and searching for other options now.
Things with Vector were going really well, but considering that I don't have transportation now, I can't really do that anymore. I'm tired of focusing on everything except what I really want to do - real estate. It has been for over a year. So, my plan is to work part time doing something clerical (maybe customer service; I'm also applying for a tech support job, 20 hours a week at $13/ hr = happy Laura :D ). I don't need anything elaborate, the reason being that I want to have time for Nouveau & REI, so I don't want something full time - just enough to pay my basic bills, which are pretty small anyway.
I have no idea how long it will really take me to get my feet off the ground with real estate, but honestly, I don't really care. Obviously, it would be great if it was quick, but real education isn't something that can be rushed. Learning to do things properly and legally is much more important. And, it's how I'll be more successful in the long term. Even if it takes me 5 months to finish 1 successful transaction, so be it. Plus, a comforting thought is that the first few deals are definitely the most challenging and tend to take more time than the average of what I'll do later anyway. Once I'm able to really take action, the ball will start to roll quicker and quicker.

Spiritually, things are getting better. I'm slowly climbing back to where I was before the Phoenix fiasco. I can't believe how much energy that whole thing has taken out of me & how much time it's taking to get back to where I was. I guess I took what I'd been given for granted a bit (completely inadvertently, of course, but still). I keep insisting that I'm not ready for the answers I've been given, but that obviously isn't true. We're never given anything that we can't handle. But, because I've been fighting the whole thing, it keeps dragging me down - in a major way. I can just feel negative energy flood through me when I think about it. So, then, I avoid thinking about it, only to realize when a problem arises that I've just basically been in denial. My goal now is to focus, one day at a time, on letting go and accepting everything, one step at a time. It's too overwhelming if I do it any other way. I've only found success when I fight my battles as they come, not from a what-if perspective. It's the only way I get peace.

On that note, nothing new from the lost boy. Conversations remain as empty as ever before. And why is it that guys BS so much and then, only when they realize that we're mad about something, they start buttering you up!?!? It's like, that's no excuse for you acting like a jackass. HELLO! Such density and from one whom so much is expected. I didn't put him here. That was not my doing - and yet I have to practically mother him. This is so far beyond ridiculous. Anyway... I could rant for hours if allowed. I'll start thinking of something good before I end up wasting the day on him.

Oh, here's good news! I bought socks :D I know, I know. Lame, right? Well, I seriously needed them lol. It's only getting colder out and I'm severely low on winter clothes. I so need a new coat & some boots as well. And pajamas. And a robe. I need a whole new wardrobe, I haven't bought anything in so long. Soon enough :)

For old times sake...

So, those of you who've had a myspace profile for as long as I have (I'm talking the natives here - Cassie, Carrie, Dan, etc... ) will well remember how popular these absurd surveys were. And I decided to do one again :D

Name
Joebob-bologne -pants. No, it's Laura Jane Marie Stubson-Madison. Yes, I'm serious.

Nicknames
Sunshine, Chipper, Laura Lou, Lucky

Single or Taken
Contentedly single

Happy
Very

Eye color
Blue

Shoe size
9

Height
Short :( Unless I'm in heels :D

What are you wearing right now
Glass slippers, backwards baseball cap and nothing else

-------------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU EVER...

Given anyone a bath
Yep... I could make that sound so dirty ;)

Bungee Jumped
No, but I will at some point!

Loved someone so much it made you cry
Yes

Played truth or dare
Haha yes.Clark! All his fault...

Ran away
Yes, when I was 11. I tried to ride my bike to Boise from Mtn. Home lol. The sheriff stopped me before I hit Tipanooke.

Broken someone's heart
Yeah

Cried when someone died
If I hadn't, I believe the appropriate term to use here would be 'heartless'.

Fell off your chair
Haha, yeah, I'm such a klutz.

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call
Ha NO. I don't pine.

---------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT IS...

New fav. song
Be There by Howie Day

Beside you
Phone, blanket, singing magnets, Halloween decorations, candles and pictures of San Francisco

Last thing you ate
Chicken Noodle Soup. I think I'm getting strep :(

----------------------------------------------------------------
Ever Had...

Chicken pox
When I was 2

Sore Throat
Yes, right now. Thanks, James.

Stitches
Yes

Broken nose
Nope

----------------------------------------
Do You...

Believe in love at first sight
No

Think that long distant relationships can work
No

Like school
I'm not a big fan of the class room setting, but I love to learn. Hence, lots of my time spent reading.

Question yourself
I make a big effort to trust myself.

Who makes you smile the most
Lori, Cass & Pim

Who knows you the best
Lori, Cass, Tracey & Pim

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Questions:

What car / truck do you wish to have
Jeep Wrangler

Have a lava lamp
Nope

How many remote controls are in your house
6

Are you double jointed
I don't think so...

Scary or Funny Movies
Funny!

Chocolate or Vanilla
Chocolate

Summer or winter
Winter. Yay snow!

Silver or Gold
Silver

Diamond or pearl
Diamonds

Sprite or 7up
Sprite

Phone or in person
In person

------------------------------------------------------

Today did you

Talk to someone you liked
Mayyyyyybe

Buy something
Nope

Get sick
Yes :(

Talk to an ex
Nope

Miss someone
Nope

Last person who...

Slept in your bed
Me

Saw / heard you cry
Lori

Made you cry
Myself

Said "I Love You" to you
My sister
_______________________________________________

Random

Do you have a crush on someone right now?
I always have a crush on someone

What book are you reading now?
Books, plural: Talmage's Articles of Faith, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, select BYU Speeches and a few different fashion books. Yes, I know, I am a major bookworm.

Future KIDS names?
Haha wayyy too early to be thinking about that. I need the right guy first.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal
No, just a lot of pillows

What's under your bed
John Goodman

Favorite Locations
Anywhere more exciting than Boise

Tattoos or piercings
Tats

What are you most scared of right now
Apparently John Goodman being under my bed

Are you lonely right now
Nope

Song that's stuck in your head right now
Chances by Dave Matthews

Have you ever played strip poker
Ha no

Have you ever gotten beat up
Only if you count the cat fights my sister and I used to get in

Have you ever been in a mosh-pit
Ha yeah

Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed
Yes
______________________________

Random

What color is your underwear right now
Pink. But not like a happy pink - more of a Scorsese salmon color.

What are the first things you notice about the opposite sex
How much they smile

Your Favorite Food
Anything that takes minimum work to make

Are you too shy to ask someone out
No, I simply prefer not too, along with not calling or texting first. I don't initiate conversations with guys, it's just how I am.

Hugs or Kisses
Hugs

Dogs or cats
Dogs

Favorite Flower
Lillies & certain roses.

Have you ever fired a gun
Yes, I hit the target 3 spaces down from mine in Hunter's Safety at 13 lol.

How many pillows do you sleep with
2-3, but I have like 7 or something. Hey, I have a king size bed, I can't fill it with guys, I might as well use pillows!

Who are you missing right now
Dutchboy

Do you think (any of) your ex(s) miss you
Eh I hope not

His Hands

His hands - tools of creation, stronger than nations, power without end. And, yet, through them, we find our truest friend. His hands - sermons of kindness, healing men's blindness, halting years of pain; children waiting to be held again.

His hands would serve his whole life through, showing men what hands might do, giving, ever giving, endlessly. Each day was filled with selflessness and I'll not rest til I make up my hands, what they could be. Til these hands become like those from Galilee.

His hands - lifting a leper, helping a beggar, calling back the dead... breaking bread, five thousand fed. His hands - hushing contention, pointing to Heaven, ever free of sin, then bidding them to follow Him.

His hands would serve his whole life through, showing men what hands might do, giving, ever giving, endlessly. Each day was filled with selflessness and I'll not rest til I make up my hands, what they could be. Til these hands become like those from Galilee.

His hands - gasp in agony, as He lay bleeding, bleeding in the garden. While just moments away, other hands betray Him, out of greed - shameful greed. And then His hands are trembling, straining to carry the beam that they were nailed to, as He stumbles through the streets, heading for the hill, on which He died. He would die.

They take His hands, His mighty hands, those gentle hands - and then they pierced them. They pierced them. He lets them because of love. From birth to death was selflessness and clearly now, I see Him with His hands, calling to me.

And, though I'm not yet as I should be, He has shown me how I could be. I will make my hands like those from Galilee.

Toys R Us Kid

I've decided that I don't really like being an adult. It's too hard. I don't like responsibility. I don't like having to suck it up and deal with things. I don't like being the bigger person. If I'm mad at you, I want to be able to tell you that I'm mad at you. If I need to scream, I want to be able to scream. I want to play. I want to smile and laugh and discover the unknown.
I watched 13 Going On 30 again recently - I had forgot how much I love it. I find it inspiring. I want to maintain my childish enthusiasm. I want to live spherically, in many directions. I want to forever be able to explore and hold the right to be curious and ridiculous.
Especially in relationships; so many women put themselves into the role of parent with their boyfriends/ husbands. Why? It just causes them to resent you and besides, you women know just as much as I do that it isn't fun to parent. Have fun! Live in Neverland, don't be afraid to be goofy, have snow ball fights and eat lots of candy. Get on a tire swing, swing as high as you can, close your eyes and pretend that you're flying. Remember what that was like? I miss that. I search for it every day. That feeling of discovery, with self and the world. The feeling of freedom, the belief that you can accomplish anything that you want to. President! Astronaut! Deep sea diver!

I reserve the right to be playful, fun and bubbly. If you must pout, don't do it around me.

The Influence of Righteous Women

I stumbled on this speech completely by accident when I was on the Church website, but it really hit home for me because of the things I've been going through lately. Plus, Lori & I constantly talk about this type of thing during our spiritual discussions. These are the types of words that are good for me to read when I'm having a day like today.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Influence of Righteous Women,” Liahona, Sept. 2009:

The scriptures give us names of several women who have blessed individuals and generations with their spiritual gifts. Eve, the mother of all living; Sarah; Rebekah; Rachel; Martha; Elisabeth; and Mary, the mother of our Savior, will always be honored and remembered. The scriptures also mention women whose names are unknown to us but who bless our lives through their examples and teachings, like the woman of Samaria whom Jesus met at the well of Sychar (see John 4), the ideal wife and mother described in Proverbs 31, and the faithful woman who was made whole just by touching the Savior’s clothes (see Mark 5:25–34).
As we look at the history of this earth and at the history of the restored Church of Jesus Christ, it becomes obvious that women hold a special place in our Father’s plan for the eternal happiness and well-being of His children.

I hope that my dear sisters throughout the world... never underestimate the power of their influence for good.

President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled the women of the Church:
“It is so tremendously important that the women of the Church stand strong and immovable for that which is correct and proper under the plan of the Lord… We call upon the women of the Church to stand together for righteousness. They must begin in their own homes. They can teach it in their classes. They can voice it in their communities.”

There is a saying that big gates move on small hinges. Sisters, your example in seemingly small things will make a big difference in the lives of our young people... If you love to go to the temple, the young people who value your example will also love to go. If you adapt your wardrobe to the temple garment and not the other way around, they will know what you consider important, and they will learn from you. You are marvelous sisters and great examples. Our youth are blessed by you, and the Lord loves you for that.

A Unique Feminine Identity
The lives of women in the Church are a powerful witness that spiritual gifts, promises, and blessings of the Lord are given to all those who qualify, “that all may be benefited” (D&C 46:9; see verses 9–26). Because their potential for good is so great and their gifts so diverse, women may find themselves in roles that vary with their circumstances in life. Some women, in fact, must fill many roles simultaneously. For this reason, Latter-day Saint women are encouraged to acquire an education and training that will qualify them both for homemaking and raising a righteous family and for earning a living outside the home if the occasion requires.

We are living in a great season for all women in the Church. Sisters, you are an essential part of our Heavenly Father’s plan for eternal happiness; you are endowed with a divine birthright. You are the real builders of nations wherever you live, because strong homes of love and peace will bring security to any nation. I hope you understand that, and I hope the men of the Church understand it too.

What you sisters do today will determine how the principles of the restored gospel can influence the nations of the world tomorrow. It will determine how these heavenly rays of the gospel will light every land in the future.

Though we often speak of the influence of women on future generations, please do not underestimate the influence you can have today. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) said that the principal reason the Church was organized is “to make life sweet today, to give contentment to the heart today, to bring salvation today… Some of us look forward to a time in the future—salvation and exaltation in the world to come—but today is part of eternity.”

Blessings beyond Imagining
As you live up to this mission, in whatever life circumstance you find yourself—as a wife, as a mother, as a single mother, as a divorced woman, as a widowed or a single woman—the Lord our God will open up responsibilities and blessings far beyond your ability to imagine.

May I invite you to rise to the great potential within you. But don’t reach beyond your capacity. Don’t set goals beyond your capacity to achieve. Don’t feel guilty or dwell on thoughts of failure. Don’t compare yourself with others. Do the best you can, and the Lord will provide the rest. Have faith and confidence in Him, and you will see miracles happen in your life and the lives of your loved ones. The virtue of your own life will be a light to those who sit in darkness, because you are a living witness of the fullness of the gospel (see D&C 45:28). Wherever you have been planted on this beautiful but often troubled earth of ours, you can be the one to “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).

My dear sisters, as you live your daily life with all its blessings and challenges, let me assure you that the Lord loves you. He knows you. He listens to your prayers, and He answers those prayers, wherever on this world you may be. He wants you to succeed in this life and in eternity.

Brethren, I pray that we as priesthood holders—as husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, and friends of these choice women—may see them as the Lord sees them, as daughters of God with limitless potential to influence the world for good.

The Prophet Joseph Smith told the sisters, “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”

Of these truths I testify, and I extend to you my love and my blessing as an Apostle of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Empty house

For so long, whenever I had roommates, I would be happy during the times that everyone left and I could have the house to myself. I guess it goes to prove how much I love Lori and Ging because no one is home right now (or really has been all weekend) and it makes me a little sad. I sound pathetic. Really, though, they bring life to the house. Especially when Lori and I have hours-long conversations about everything from spiritual matters to the men in our lives. Ah yes :) I love girl talk with her; she's so insightful, it makes conversations more of a discovery than a rant. I always have epiphanies when we chat. It's nice.

Hm, quarter to 3am. Maybe I should go to bed ;)

Saturdays should be more interesting than this...

I'm exhausted. Totally weird, too because I fell asleep last night at midnight & didn't wake up until 1pm. Ridiculous. Plus, I must have slept on my neck wrong because it's hurt all day & has caused a massive headache that has lasted several hours. Ow :( I had the strangest litany of dreams last night. I made out with Troy. Gross. I was staying with family and Wesley & Buttercup were visiting - extremely weird. Then, I was a duck. Yeah, a duck. Taking flying lessons. There was a lightening storm, then a yellow rubber ducky dating the ugly duck, then my ex was stealing food from a vending machine, some famous Asian chic watching TV, the scene from Peter Pan with the indian dudes and the tepee on the edge of a cliff, saving a princess... Does anyone else have dreams like this!?!? But hey, I'm extremely odd, so I suppose it all makes sense.

I scrubbed the entire house today, yay! I even dusted. Yes, that's right, dusted! I was pretty impressed myself. And I finally organized the cabinet in the laundry room :D

I talked to Fin tonight. That guy cracks me up. Married with 2 kids & he stills openly admits how much he loves hitting on me. It's like Rick all over again. Josh is asking about my love life, but I think more out of parental-type concern lol. Also, I saw Reeve on Thursday and the first thing he said to me was, "Are you married yet!?". Good grief.

Don't ask me how I've been

I'm not the greatest song writer, so I love artists that have said it for me :) Yay Ok Go!

Quit acting so friendly.
Don't nod, don't laugh all nicely.
Don't think you'll up-end me.
Don't sigh, don't sip your iced-tea.
And don't say, 'It's been a while...'
And don't flash that stupid smile.

Don't ask me,
Don't ask me,
Don't ask me, ask me, ask me how I've been.

Don't think I've forgotten,
you never liked that necklace.
So cordial, so rotten...
Kiss, kiss, let's meet for breakfast.
Don't show up so on-time
And don't act like you're so kind.

Don't ask me,
Don't ask me,
Don't ask me, ask me, ask me how I've been.

So don't sit there and play just so frank,
So straight, so candid,
So thoughtful, so gracious,
So sound, so even-handed.
Don't be so damn benign
And don't waste my f***ing time.

Don't ask me,
Don't ask me,
Don't ask me, ask me, ask me how I've been.
Don't ask me how I've been.