Rah, rah, rah

A glimpse of sunlight almost immediately turns to a nimbus nebulous. Dark cloud hovering over my head... was that a drop? He continues getting on my nerves. Insane, ridiculously typical male antics. And yet, it still doesn't matter. He's headed the same way that I am whether he likes it or not or even knows it. I don't think he does know - not yet. Amazing. In fact, I'm almost positive that he doesn't because I'm pretty freakin sure that he could not handle it. Hm.

Well, the weather matches my view on it. Not necessarily my mood, though, because despite it all, I'm feeling rather happy. I never fail to amuse myself. Maybe it's because I know the outcome. So the story itself almost doesn't matter. Intrigue. I can say that I believe I may have truly, finally, come to a level of acceptance with this whole thing. I think that's why I'm still in such a good mood right now, even considering all of his roller coaster behavior (and they say women are complex. I think his conduct exudes such an erratic pattern, he'd give any PMSing girl a run for her money). And even when I do have my moments of upset, I'll blame it on the weatherman ;)

Cassie continues insisting that I should, at the very least, keep a journal (she'd love it if I wrote a memoir one day). I mean a real journal, not blogging. With true details and explanations of my thought process and all. Wouldn't the world love to read that :p Then you'd all find out how truly crazy I think I am lol. I can't wait to reach the point where this all comes together.

I am super stoked for Halloween, though :D Yay for candy & costumes!!!

I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

What do you think you'd understand?
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
'Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.

Laura Madison, welcome to your life

Well, I've just about stopped doing anything with Madison Marketing. The online resources I have with my distributor are, indeed, extraordinary; however, their methods are all but desirable, not to mention what they charge now. I don't want to deal with it & I certainly don't want my clients to either. So, I'm pretty much closing it down and searching for other options now.
Things with Vector were going really well, but considering that I don't have transportation now, I can't really do that anymore. I'm tired of focusing on everything except what I really want to do - real estate. It has been for over a year. So, my plan is to work part time doing something clerical (maybe customer service; I'm also applying for a tech support job, 20 hours a week at $13/ hr = happy Laura :D ). I don't need anything elaborate, the reason being that I want to have time for Nouveau & REI, so I don't want something full time - just enough to pay my basic bills, which are pretty small anyway.
I have no idea how long it will really take me to get my feet off the ground with real estate, but honestly, I don't really care. Obviously, it would be great if it was quick, but real education isn't something that can be rushed. Learning to do things properly and legally is much more important. And, it's how I'll be more successful in the long term. Even if it takes me 5 months to finish 1 successful transaction, so be it. Plus, a comforting thought is that the first few deals are definitely the most challenging and tend to take more time than the average of what I'll do later anyway. Once I'm able to really take action, the ball will start to roll quicker and quicker.

Spiritually, things are getting better. I'm slowly climbing back to where I was before the Phoenix fiasco. I can't believe how much energy that whole thing has taken out of me & how much time it's taking to get back to where I was. I guess I took what I'd been given for granted a bit (completely inadvertently, of course, but still). I keep insisting that I'm not ready for the answers I've been given, but that obviously isn't true. We're never given anything that we can't handle. But, because I've been fighting the whole thing, it keeps dragging me down - in a major way. I can just feel negative energy flood through me when I think about it. So, then, I avoid thinking about it, only to realize when a problem arises that I've just basically been in denial. My goal now is to focus, one day at a time, on letting go and accepting everything, one step at a time. It's too overwhelming if I do it any other way. I've only found success when I fight my battles as they come, not from a what-if perspective. It's the only way I get peace.

On that note, nothing new from the lost boy. Conversations remain as empty as ever before. And why is it that guys BS so much and then, only when they realize that we're mad about something, they start buttering you up!?!? It's like, that's no excuse for you acting like a jackass. HELLO! Such density and from one whom so much is expected. I didn't put him here. That was not my doing - and yet I have to practically mother him. This is so far beyond ridiculous. Anyway... I could rant for hours if allowed. I'll start thinking of something good before I end up wasting the day on him.

Oh, here's good news! I bought socks :D I know, I know. Lame, right? Well, I seriously needed them lol. It's only getting colder out and I'm severely low on winter clothes. I so need a new coat & some boots as well. And pajamas. And a robe. I need a whole new wardrobe, I haven't bought anything in so long. Soon enough :)

For old times sake...

So, those of you who've had a myspace profile for as long as I have (I'm talking the natives here - Cassie, Carrie, Dan, etc... ) will well remember how popular these absurd surveys were. And I decided to do one again :D

Name
Joebob-bologne -pants. No, it's Laura Jane Marie Stubson-Madison. Yes, I'm serious.

Nicknames
Sunshine, Chipper, Laura Lou, Lucky

Single or Taken
Contentedly single

Happy
Very

Eye color
Blue

Shoe size
9

Height
Short :( Unless I'm in heels :D

What are you wearing right now
Glass slippers, backwards baseball cap and nothing else

-------------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU EVER...

Given anyone a bath
Yep... I could make that sound so dirty ;)

Bungee Jumped
No, but I will at some point!

Loved someone so much it made you cry
Yes

Played truth or dare
Haha yes.Clark! All his fault...

Ran away
Yes, when I was 11. I tried to ride my bike to Boise from Mtn. Home lol. The sheriff stopped me before I hit Tipanooke.

Broken someone's heart
Yeah

Cried when someone died
If I hadn't, I believe the appropriate term to use here would be 'heartless'.

Fell off your chair
Haha, yeah, I'm such a klutz.

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call
Ha NO. I don't pine.

---------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT IS...

New fav. song
Be There by Howie Day

Beside you
Phone, blanket, singing magnets, Halloween decorations, candles and pictures of San Francisco

Last thing you ate
Chicken Noodle Soup. I think I'm getting strep :(

----------------------------------------------------------------
Ever Had...

Chicken pox
When I was 2

Sore Throat
Yes, right now. Thanks, James.

Stitches
Yes

Broken nose
Nope

----------------------------------------
Do You...

Believe in love at first sight
No

Think that long distant relationships can work
No

Like school
I'm not a big fan of the class room setting, but I love to learn. Hence, lots of my time spent reading.

Question yourself
I make a big effort to trust myself.

Who makes you smile the most
Lori, Cass & Pim

Who knows you the best
Lori, Cass, Tracey & Pim

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Questions:

What car / truck do you wish to have
Jeep Wrangler

Have a lava lamp
Nope

How many remote controls are in your house
6

Are you double jointed
I don't think so...

Scary or Funny Movies
Funny!

Chocolate or Vanilla
Chocolate

Summer or winter
Winter. Yay snow!

Silver or Gold
Silver

Diamond or pearl
Diamonds

Sprite or 7up
Sprite

Phone or in person
In person

------------------------------------------------------

Today did you

Talk to someone you liked
Mayyyyyybe

Buy something
Nope

Get sick
Yes :(

Talk to an ex
Nope

Miss someone
Nope

Last person who...

Slept in your bed
Me

Saw / heard you cry
Lori

Made you cry
Myself

Said "I Love You" to you
My sister
_______________________________________________

Random

Do you have a crush on someone right now?
I always have a crush on someone

What book are you reading now?
Books, plural: Talmage's Articles of Faith, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, select BYU Speeches and a few different fashion books. Yes, I know, I am a major bookworm.

Future KIDS names?
Haha wayyy too early to be thinking about that. I need the right guy first.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal
No, just a lot of pillows

What's under your bed
John Goodman

Favorite Locations
Anywhere more exciting than Boise

Tattoos or piercings
Tats

What are you most scared of right now
Apparently John Goodman being under my bed

Are you lonely right now
Nope

Song that's stuck in your head right now
Chances by Dave Matthews

Have you ever played strip poker
Ha no

Have you ever gotten beat up
Only if you count the cat fights my sister and I used to get in

Have you ever been in a mosh-pit
Ha yeah

Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed
Yes
______________________________

Random

What color is your underwear right now
Pink. But not like a happy pink - more of a Scorsese salmon color.

What are the first things you notice about the opposite sex
How much they smile

Your Favorite Food
Anything that takes minimum work to make

Are you too shy to ask someone out
No, I simply prefer not too, along with not calling or texting first. I don't initiate conversations with guys, it's just how I am.

Hugs or Kisses
Hugs

Dogs or cats
Dogs

Favorite Flower
Lillies & certain roses.

Have you ever fired a gun
Yes, I hit the target 3 spaces down from mine in Hunter's Safety at 13 lol.

How many pillows do you sleep with
2-3, but I have like 7 or something. Hey, I have a king size bed, I can't fill it with guys, I might as well use pillows!

Who are you missing right now
Dutchboy

Do you think (any of) your ex(s) miss you
Eh I hope not

His Hands

His hands - tools of creation, stronger than nations, power without end. And, yet, through them, we find our truest friend. His hands - sermons of kindness, healing men's blindness, halting years of pain; children waiting to be held again.

His hands would serve his whole life through, showing men what hands might do, giving, ever giving, endlessly. Each day was filled with selflessness and I'll not rest til I make up my hands, what they could be. Til these hands become like those from Galilee.

His hands - lifting a leper, helping a beggar, calling back the dead... breaking bread, five thousand fed. His hands - hushing contention, pointing to Heaven, ever free of sin, then bidding them to follow Him.

His hands would serve his whole life through, showing men what hands might do, giving, ever giving, endlessly. Each day was filled with selflessness and I'll not rest til I make up my hands, what they could be. Til these hands become like those from Galilee.

His hands - gasp in agony, as He lay bleeding, bleeding in the garden. While just moments away, other hands betray Him, out of greed - shameful greed. And then His hands are trembling, straining to carry the beam that they were nailed to, as He stumbles through the streets, heading for the hill, on which He died. He would die.

They take His hands, His mighty hands, those gentle hands - and then they pierced them. They pierced them. He lets them because of love. From birth to death was selflessness and clearly now, I see Him with His hands, calling to me.

And, though I'm not yet as I should be, He has shown me how I could be. I will make my hands like those from Galilee.